you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
