I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
