I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
