Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
