i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
