youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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