So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
