Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
