I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
