WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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