I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
