I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
