Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
