I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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