i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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