I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
