mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
