Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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