Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
