Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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