yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's always time for handjobs
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
