I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
