You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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