I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
