I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
