True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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