I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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