Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
