my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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