Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
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We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
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come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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