I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
