I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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