Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
