Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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