I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
