Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
