You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
