yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
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My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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