Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
