??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
