I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
