Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
