to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
