Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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