Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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