dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
