dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
