You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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