She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
