Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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