it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
