i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
