I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
