Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
