Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
